I Can't Afford Myself, Much Less Kids

Panic sets in and I mutter, "Thank god I don't have kids," as I dig around for my lost dry cleaning ticket. 

The days I watch friends ship their teens off to college, it really hits me that being gay isn't a choice for me; but a necessity.  Every time I open my credit card statement(s), I realize that I can't even afford myself, much less dependents. As I sink into debt and depression, it's 15.9-percent-APR-clear that I have no idea how much it costs even to be me. Let's not add another person.

My kid would have to go to a junior college, because my savings plan consists of me getting excited for the annual Fred Segal 50-percent-off sale. I wonder if I could use miles to upgrade them to an Ivy League school....

Since I regard carbs as abs-hiding fear food, my poor child would end up sitting all alone in the cafeteria eating a lettuce-wrap baloney sandwich, sticking out like last year's Gucci. I can't handle that guilt. 

I couldn't bear the eventuality of my kids moving away from my house; I can't even part with all my pleated pants. Like children, they might come back one day.

Sure, I'd love the chance to impart wisdom and hopefully influence a young mind to better our society. But I recently learned the hard way that I can't handle the pressure and responsibility of teaching: I tried to teach my parents how to text. "Do you know that all caps means you're yelling, Mom?" YES.

Now that I'm free to marry, I'm not about to shell out one dime for my kid's wedding. Get in line, honey. Do you have any idea how lavish a gay man's wedding gets after fantasizing about that blessed day since... forever?  I hope PETA won't get on me about hot-gluing roses to all those doves.

Look, I'd love to have lots of kids; I need help around the house like anyone else. And I demonstrate my capacity for love and sacrifice every time I do a closet purge. 


Then there's the whole nature-vs.-nurture argument. Being around me, they run the risk of ending up talking funny.  After all, I am from Texas.

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