Extreme Makeover: Pizza Recipe Edition

I know people that are hungry to meet a man. Once they do, they try to mold him into what they secretly desire, or will accept. They buy him clothes, manscape him, have feelings meetings, and drag him through a museum hoping that culture will hop off a wall and stick to his body. Never mind that he might be totally fine in his current, unwashed state.

Those wanting change must themselves be willing to change. I was a Marine; we're trained to adapt and conquer; to kill with our bare hands if we run out of bullets. Not that I've needed to call on that skill, but I can de-bone a chicken in seconds.

Recently, I hungered for a bagel; but didn't have any. You know that anxious feeling when you're really, really ready for a bagel -- or a relationship -- in your life? I promise not to mess it up this time by slicing it too thin on one side and smothering it with cream cheese, or feelings meetings.

I had all the usual bagel toppings: salmon, onion, goat cheese, avocado -- but no bagel. At first search, my kitchen yielded nothing except despair and batteries. Then I opened the freezer and grabbed a frozen pizza.

Could I take this pizza outside the box and make it over into what I needed?
I took action by yelling Action! 

Basic Needs:
1 Man (you can substitute 1 Frozen Cheese Pizza)
1/4 Large Red Onion
1 Ripe Avocado
1 Large Fresh Tomato
4 oz Goat Cheese
8 oz Smoked Salmon
Handful of Arugula
Handful of Fresh Spinach

Baking Sheet
Cutting Board
Oven Mitt (Don't forget protection!)

Happy Ever After For:
Honestly, one pizza serves two. And if one of them is lonely, one. 

a slice of pizza

Here's How You Do It:

1. Get dressed for your date/ aka: Pre-heat the oven.

Slip on a little black dress as you turn the oven dial to 375 degrees. You should look nice when you meet the anything of your dreams.

Date tip: Always be on time -- you get one chance to make a first impression. Set an alarm clock if you need to; it's that shiny thing next to your already-ticking biological clock.

2. Slice the onion, avocado, tomato.

Don't forget to wash the tomato. You sleep with everyone your date slept with. Tonight -- you're dating this tomato. Spread the sliced onion over the pizza. Leave the avocado and tomato on the cutting board for now.

3. Bake the pizza.

Set the timer to package instructions for baking time. It usually takes about 10-14 minutes. (If you're performing a makeover on a pizza, your life's timing might not be exactly instinctual.)  I like a crisp and decisive pizza. Pizza crust can be likened to what's desirable in life; go for a good, snappy... everything.

4. Get your mise en place act together.

This is the term for getting the necessary ingredients ready. You're more attractive if you're personally together, so get your pizza ducks in a row: Slide your cutting board with the prepped avocado and tomato closer to you. Open your heart and your goat cheese to soften. Remove the smoked salmon to a plate that's ready to grab. Place the spinach and arugula in a bowl.

In the time it takes for your pizza to cook, you'll have gathered all the necessary components. They're ready for you.

Have a kitchen towel handy because you will be manhandling gooey stuff.

5. Dollop the top with goat cheese.

You cooked the pizza, right? While it's still warm, use the spoon and drop little bundles of cheesy joy on the hottie. 

6. Layer the avocado, tomato, and smoked salmon on top.

Evenly distribute to cover the entire pizza. Don't be that girl that neglects to apply makeup also on her neck. We do see it. Plop the arugula and spinach on top. Pile it high -- it's like hopes for a great relationship; it settles.

overhead view of a whole pizza

7. Slice and eat.

If you don't have a wheel pizza cutter, make a note to register for one when you get married.

With a little effort, you can turn any disaster you meet into a masterpiece. And for those of you determined to makeover your mate, keep eating.

Pizza Makeover let's you take control of your life, feed your hunger an make it happen. 

1 comment:

  1. Love the video! So nice to see and hear you in your kitchen, enjoying your creation. I always liked that part at the end of "The Cajun Cook" with Justin Wilson when he's tuck a napkin into the bib of his overalls, pour a glass of wine, and tuck in, exclaiming over his dish. I don't trust a cook who doesn't eat!


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